Lessons my mother taught me:
~Don't work hard, hard work is a scam.
~Don’t let people use you, use them first.
~Don’t care about anything else, money is all that matters.
~Don't get married, it's a trap.
~Don't have kids, they will take all your money.
~Don’t tell the truth, because it is never good enough.
~Don't rely on anyone, they will only let you down.
~Don't trust anyone, they are all out to get you.
~Don't be happy, happiness comes from being brainwashed.
~Don't love anyone, they will only betray you.
There are very likely more lessons I’m over looking, but I was able to transcribe all these on my iPhone in a couple of minutes Saturday night. I want to print this list out in giant letters, tack it up on my wall, and live the rest of my life doing the exact opposite. In order to do that, I need to start living again. For the past four months I've been sitting on my ass, waiting for the universe to tell me what to do. My gig as the richest little hobo has got to come to an end, and I have to make a decision. I’ve been living in a dysfunctional sort of limbo since my move to Seattle fell apart in July. I’ve weighed the consequences of my choices, and I’ve decided to stay in Tucson for the time being. It wasn’t until I was ready to leave that I discovered so many reasons to stay.
I feel like this decision will let some people down. Like some people were going to be so proud of me for finally facing my fears and taking the leap. I failed. It just took this long to work that out. In failing I have gained a lot. I have found people who I trust deeply, experienced things I was too afraid to do on my own, and gained a new attitude with which to approach this crazy world. It might not seem like much, but these things mean the world to me. My ten year anniversary in Tucson is this coming Wednesday, the 25th. There will be announcements on that day... and cake.
- Location:Tucson, AZ
- Mood:calm
- Music:Foo Fighters - Razor
- Location:Tucson, AZ
Thought about posting this morning, but I let the day get away from me. Make a wish.
Posted via LiveJournal.app.
- Location:Tucson, AZ
- Location:Tucson, AZ
- Mood:dorky
- Music:Yeah Yeah Yeahs - No No No
I attended the annual Celtic Festival and Scotish Games in Tucson today. It was a bit disappointing, the log throwers were kind of ridiculous, but some of the pipe bands were alright. Later on today, I went to the All Souls Procession downtown. This event is one of the highlights of living in Tucson, and this year was no exception. One of the pipe bands for the Celtic/Scotish festival was at the Procession's finale. It was an interesting conclusion to the day.
Before the procession, I went the whole day expecting to run into either Tatum or (Arizona) Katherine. I didn't see either of them there, but I did talk to Melissa for about five seconds. I wish I had said more, but it all happened very quickly. It's funny how life never goes as expected. It was a good day, not one bad thing to report. Pictures coming soon.
Posted via LiveJournal.app.
- Location:Tucson, AZ
- Mood:Tired & Happy
- Music:Silbermond -Alles Gute
I kind of feel like I need to make peace with my past, and own up for the cowardly things I’ve done to other people. The recent interactions with New Mexico Jessica, and Melissa’s post on my livejournal have both fueled this feeling. It is giving me a chance to come to terms with the past, and maybe move on. It’s all very awkward, but the issue with Tatum is definitely one of the most recent and dramatic stories. I’m not sure if I should try or just pretend I never saw that.
Then there are the ongoing issues with Arizona Katherine. I have no idea where I stand with her (although that’s been somewhat constant for us both), and have nothing resembling closure from that part of my life. I’m kind of trapped watching her online, but unable to communicate with her otherwise.
The internet is weird.
- Location:Tucson, AZ; from work
- Mood:curious
- Music:Silversun Pickups - The Royal We
Weather permitting, I usually go for a couple of walks during my work day. I always head out with my iPod, and take one of a few different paths from which I could choose. One of these routes has an office complex along the beginning of my journey. The complex consists of several buildings, surrounding a narrow paved path. This path is surrounded by tall leafy trees on both sides.
Sometimes, as I walk through the complex, the sun lines up perfectly between the buildings and behind the trees. For a moment, shadows dance across my face, wind blows down the narrow walkway, and a haven from the heat is provided by the branches above. The sun’s rays split and dance through the branches, casting their filtered light around the path and my face. I'm not sure what kind of trees they are... birch maybe... but the sensation isn't one I get to experience in Tucson too often.
I was thinking about a question a close friend had asked me about two weeks ago, "what makes you happy?" There is more to it than trees and sunlight, but that's a good place to start.
Posted via LiveJournal.app.
- Location:Tucson, AZ; from work
- Mood:Happy
- Music:OneRepublic - Mercy
our hearts only regret, the weakness of past lies
The suffering you have caused, heartbeats of that girl,
have scarred you both inside, forsaken love's unfurl
Those words which you are seeking, not meant to be found
this madness fuels this feeling, love's results redound
unrequited feelings, beneath the stars above
pain is universal, but sorrow is not love
Our sun will ever burn, between two deserts' skies,
my heart beats in her hands, my mind rest in her thighs
The love that you have caused, in heartbeats and in dreams,
embittered love's lost words, flow tears down cheeks like streams
These feelings you are seeking, unrequited kind
emotions keep you reeling, hearts in minds confined
logic conflicts emotion, hatred versus love
wants to be there with her, a heart unworthy of
We lay beside the other, silent desert skies,
heart beats ever faster, when looking in those eyes
Futures stained by the past, inscriptions burnt on walls
an awkwardness remains, behind what love recalls
The words you want to hear, never again be heard
your mind betrays your heart, profane is the absurd
unrequited feelings, beneath the stars above
love is universal, suffering is not love
This has been an interesting weekend, and I've learned how much I've alaways underestimated humanity. We are capable of so much devastating beauty and so much irrational hate. I've always known that, but never understood the complexity behind such statements.
We are such emotional, confusing, and utterly bewildering creatures, that I don't really understand how we ever accomplish anything.
Posted via LiveJournal.app.
- Location:Alamogordo, NM
- Mood:Cold
- Music:Alexi Murdoch - Breathe
About 7 weeks ago the redesigned Contemplicity.com went up. It is lacking a lot of content, but the main concept behind the site is up and running. I also started a new site called Exia Photography as an online portfolio for my photography. It is running, but also incomplete at the moment.
I understand that being creative can be cathartic, but I don’t like the idea that I can only be really creative when I’m depressed. I guess I’m still working on the whole balance thing.
- Location:Tucson, AZ; Unfortunately
- Mood:lazy
- Music:Sharon Van Etten - i wish i knew
I have noticed that there is a reoccurring pattern in my life. I have repeatedly abandoned or hurt many important people for the sake of one person in particular. I gave my time and attention to a person who used me and took my feelings for granted. I have foolishly lost acquaintances, strained good friendships, and ruined romantic possibilities because of this terrible habit. This is something I’ve only realized within the past four months, but it has been a pattern for the past several years of my life. I am not proud of these choices, having made a list of regrettable mistakes for the sake of someone who didn’t deserve it. I made these decision to stay and the decision to go back... in the end I have no one to blame but myself.
It took long enough, but I finally learned a few valuable lessons from all of this. I finally moved on and have broken the vicious cycle behind this pattern. I wish I would have done things differently. I gave up on a lot of good along the way, but I can’t change my past. I have to make the best of the decisions I’ve made and learn to make better decisions in the future.
I’m lucky enough to have a few friends who stayed with me through the past seven years, but in a lot of ways I feel like I’m starting over. That seems to be the theme for this year... new chances.
- Location:Tucson, AZ; Unfortunately
- Mood:contemplative
- Music:Love Outside Andromeda - Bound by Hurt Dissolved
- Location:Tucson, AZ
- Mood:embarrassed
- Music:Love Outside Andromeda - Raido
Regardless, each time I see those number displayed I can't help but thinking of a superstition I first heard about as a child. Basically, when ever a person sees that time displayed on a clock, they can make a wish which will be heard by angels. I obviously don't believe in such superstitious nonsense..... but I still make a wish whenever I see those numbers..... and it has been the same wish for more than a decade.
I want to be happy and have the ability to make others happy.
eleven:eleven
- Location:Tucson, AZ; unfortunately
- Mood:drunk
- Music:Love Outside Andromeda - Something White & Sigmund
I'm afraid of water/air signs...
I'm afraid of drowning/suffocating...
I wonder if there is any correlation between the two.
- Location:Tucson, AZ; unfortunately
- Music:The Kills - Sour Cherry
This could very easily be one of those posts like I used to write. The insanely cryptic ones that only make sense with the magic decoder ring (not sold in stores). But I don’t find it necessary to do that these days. So the math equation above, like the lyrics below, symbolizes the jumble of emotions I’m feeling at the moment.
In the past 10 months, I’ve had five romantic relationships, all of which have ended very quickly. I met an abusive attention seeker late last year, and then reconciled with a cheating lover at the beginning of this year. In March I met someone who was both nice and normal, but I was still too messed up from previous experiences to make it work. A few weeks after meeting, that third relationship fizzled and fell apart. Then I went to Europe, and attempted to start a relationship in a week’s time. Once returning from Europe, I met a married woman for whom I developed feelings. Nothing ever happened, but the situation generated a great deal of emotional turmoil for the both of us. Foolishness, plain and simple. After that experience, I decided to take a break, or rather, a break came to me.
Most of this year (for me) has been plagued with indecision, disappointment, and chaos. That isn’t to say everything has been bad. I went to Europe, traveled with a band, visited multiple cities in the United States, met new people, and reconnected with lost friends. Through out all of this, there has been a lingering air of depression which I have been unable to shake. I almost let that feeling consume me, but was inadvertently pulled back together by a handful of close friends.
Now, still uncertain of my future, I stand on the precipice of beginning a new relationship. The sixth attempt in a year (a record for me), and quite frankly I’m afraid. (There are things about this situation which remind me of Tatum and Melissa.) However, to live my life afraid of taking chances is not what I want. Life is a string of moments, chances, and opportunities. Each one is alive; progressing and moving without us. These moments can pass us by if we don’t act in time, or if we refuse to act out of fear. I’m not going to let fear, fatigue, or depression rob me of something so potentially great.
Under blue moon I saw you
So soon you'll take me
Up in your arms
Too late to beg you or cancel it
Though I know it must be the killing time
Unwillingly mine
Fate
Up against your will
Through the thick and thin
He will wait until
You give yourself to him
In starlit nights I saw you
So cruelly you kissed me
Your lips a magic world
Your sky all hung with jewels
The killing moon
Will come too soon
- Location:Tucson, AZ; Unfortunately
- Mood:anxious
- Music:Annie Hart and Slow Club - The Killing Moon
I have to go buy blank CDs this weekend. I gave away all my blank CDs (as well as a lot of other stuff) when I was preparing to move to Seattle. That was probably for the best, as my current homeless status would be much more difficult if I was carrying around a house full of belongings with me. Interesting how life works out...
Posted via LiveJournal.app.
- Location:Tucson, AZ; Unfortunately
- Mood:tired
- Music:Sianna Lee - Scared to Move Sideways
The first of these three guys to hit on me allowed the refund of a friend's PS3 accessory even though their receipt was 2 months past the refund date. He made a huge deal about how he shouldn't do this, but would do it for me... even though I wasn't the person asking for the refund.
The second was very annoying. He was my waiter in a restaurant, and he wouldn't leave me alone. Every time he would come to the table he would sit down in the booth next to me, brush up against me, and ask me personal questions (like where I lived, trips I've been on, hobbies, etc.). Then he made a big deal about introducing himself and telling me his name when he brought the check. It would have been funny if it weren't so annoying.
The third guy didn't do too much. He seemed kind of shy, and tripped over his words a lot. But at the end, he made me promise to come back and see him. At least I got a free Venti Chai Creme out of this last experience.
- Location:Tucson, AZ; unfortunately
- Mood:chipper
- Music:Melody Garrot - Worrisome Heart
Would it be violent? Days and nights filled with nature running amok and explosions everywhere?
I guess it could come quickly. No time for havoc, peaceful and without struggle.
If it doesn't go off like some exaggerated Fourth of July, I probably won't pay attention.
Someone told me that it was "a grand adventure" to read through some of my thoughts on livejournal.
To that person (and you know who you are), know that you have inspired this and many entries to come.
JaB
- Location:Tucson, AZ; unfortunately
- Mood:thankful
- Music:The Dead Weather - Treat Me Like Your Mother
This has been such an emotional year; but, good or bad it has helped me to grow as a person.
I know I haven't updated in a while... there are a list of excuses which go along with that sentence, but they are meaningless at this juncture. I don't have regular internet access at this time, but I could still find ways to update this journal (or my Twitter) if I really wanted too. Truth of the matter is I've been a bit depressed.
The feeling comes and goes these days. I fill a lot of my time with distractions to keep the aching at bay, but that doesn't always work. What has been the biggest help is the people in my life. Good or bad (and there has been a lot of both this year) these people have been there for me for as long as I have known them... and I definitely have not deserved what I have taken from them.
I debated listing you by name here; however, I'm not sure voicing my appreciation on some back alley of the internet would be the most appropriate way to show you what you mean to me. I hope you know who you are, but in case you do not I am going to do find a way to try to express this to you.
So thank you, everyone... and for the record, I am back. Because the soap opera that is my life doesn't stop just because I'm being moody.
- Location: Tucson, AZ
- Mood:calm
- Music:The Postal Service - Sleeping In
This entry shall be no exception.
Around 2:00am Tuesday morning, on a sleep deprived whim, I decided to take a mini-vacation to southern New Mexico this weekend. I will be leaving one desert to "vacation" in another, during the onset of summer. This is not my brightest plan to date.
As if that wasn't surprising enough, I actually find myself wanting a motorcycle. Not just any motorcycle, but a design and type of bike that I have never liked. I've toyed with the idea of getting a bike in the past, and have always assumed if I ever bought one it would be one of the fast, modern, flashy, and incredibly Japanese sports bikes. However, the bike I find myself drooling over tonight is less powerful, older, and much more subdued. Here are a few pictures:
I keep telling myself that this feeling is a phase, that I love my car, and that I probably wouldn't fit on the damned thing anyhow... but I still want it. Oh well, Tucson is a terrible city for bikes anyhow. Hopefully I will have forgotten all about this odd urge after I return from New Mexico (which in itself is an odd urge). See you next week.
Oh, and if you hear anything in the news containing the keywords "missile testing facility" and "crazy man", please don't worry. That is probably just me.
- Location:Tucson, AZ; unfortunately
- Mood:thirsty
- Music:Beck - Think I'm In Love
Profile
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif)
angel_malachite- Angel Malachite
- Contemplicty
Syndicate
